How to Reconnect with Your Spouse

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use Candle Time or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.

Nurturing our Marriages

If I plant a flower bed and then do nothing to maintain it, in only a short time it will start to look really bad. Weeds will take over, flowers will wilt, and before long that flower bed will be full of stuff that's either ugly or dead.

Our marriages are much the same. If we want our marriages to be alive and strong, we want to invest in them. Here are six ways we can nurture our marriage relationships:

1. Nurture with CHRIST. As husband and wife draw closer to Christ, we also draw closer to each other. When Christ is at the center of our relationship, we have His help to face any challenge that comes.

2. Nurture with COMMUNICATION. Good communication is essential in any healthy relationship, but even more in marriage. We want to take time to talk together, dream together, work out problems together, and share our innermost thoughts with each other. We want to take time to listen to each other and understand each other.

3. Nurture with CARING and COMPASSION. We read in 1 Corinthians 13:4 that love is kind. When we are kind to one another, that strengthens our marriage. The opposite is also true: when we are unkind to one another, that harms our marriage. Let's seek to be kind to one another even at those moments when it may be difficult.

4. Nurture with CONTENTMENT. When we spend our time thanking God for what we have rather than complaining about what we do not have - this is contentment. When we are content with our spouse, we won't want to look to other people to provide the things that only our spouse should provide. When we are content with what we have, we (individually or together as a couple) won't waste our energy looking elsewhere for something we THINK might make us more happy. We want to be content in the here and now.

5. Nurture with CONFESSION. Confession, and its close partner forgiveness, are foundational to a healthy marriage. I want to be quick to confess when I have wronged my wife. And I want to be quick to forgive her when she confesses something to me. If I am quick to apologize, then my wife is free to forgive, and we can move past those unkind words I said or that thoughtless thing I did.

6. Nurture with COOPERATION. It takes time to feel like we are truly "one" in a biblical sense - intellectually, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Marriage is always a "work in progress," but it's a wonderful thing when husband and wife are working together, under the headship of Christ, to become all that God wants us to be.

May these words encourage you as you nurture your own marriage and make it grow.

Making Peace with our Fears

Fear can be a very negative thing.  One can read any of a number of books or articles about various phobias that hurt people's lives.  We have all probably experienced some level of irrational, even limiting, fear from time to time.  Indeed, this kind of fear is not good, and we should work to overcome it.


In partial contrast, I want to focus a moment on the positive side of fear.  I'm not a psychologist, but as a pastor, a husband, a father, and a man who's lived with his own fears a long time, I have a few thoughts I'd like to suggest about why I embrace some of my fears.

My fears balance my impulsive tendencies.  Fear of financial damage curbs the tendency toward impulsive spending.  Fear of getting a ticket helps keep my driving under control.  Fear of "getting caught" weakens the enticing power of many daily temptations.

I have a fear of letting people down. This leads me to fulfill my obligations, follow through with my promises, and persevere even when I don't feel like completing the task to which I have committed.


I have a fear of hurting my family.  This leads me to guard my marriage and not let any other relationship surpass the relationships I have with my wife and my kids.  This keeps me from pursuing any of a number of titillating explorations that would cause irreparable damage to my family.


I have a fear of emotionally scarring my children.  This leads me to temper my moments of anger and measure my words carefully.  This leads me to apologize when I've blown it, and to admit to them that I am not perfect, but I too am growing and learning.


I have a fear of portraying the Lord as anything other than Who He is.  This leads me to carefully read the Scriptures and learn all He has revealed about Himself.  This guides me to choose carefully the authors I read so I am constantly filling my mind with thoughts that are Scripturally accurate.  This causes me to be very careful in how I speak of the Lord to others - to represent Him well.  It's not that He needs good P.R., but I absolutely don't want to be guilty of causing anyone to think about Him incorrectly.


Fears can be a good thing.  When we make peace with our fears, and see the good side of them, we can accept the good and God-honoring boundaries they provide, then move forward with confidence and joy.  


If our  fears turn to something dark, we go back to God, and remember many passages like Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. ...In God I trust; I shall not be afraid."

My Wife Brings Out the Best in Me

Kristin and I have been married almost four and a half years.  Our marriage has all of the challenges of a new marriage plus a marriage with a blended family.  But there are many, many blessings along the way.


One of the things I told Kristin just yesterday was that she really brings out the best in me.  I told her about my perspective on a situation last Friday, which I will share here with her permission.


We were at family camp at Camp Forest Springs last week.  Many readers may know they have a swim safety test which they require for anyone, adults included, to go into the deepest part of the swim area with a really huge, really cool, ten-foot inflated slide.  The week saw temperatures in the low 70s, not ideal swimming weather, so we didn't really get our family into the water until Friday (the last day of camp).  So as of Friday, neither Kristin nor I had taken the test.


I was just going to let the week pass without taking the test and trying the slide.  The water was cold, I'm a bit out of shape, we were taking care of our young children in the shallower parts of the lake, and it was the last day of camp.  I thought it might be best to be content with skipping this year.  


Then my wife, one hour before they were to close the waterfront, decided to take the swim test.  Of course, she passed it swimmingly.  


I decided to follow her lead on this one.  I grunted my way through the swimming and treading water they required, and passed (whew!).  From there we had a great time on the slide.


This is just one example of how my wife helps me step out and try things that I might otherwise talk myself out of.  God has given her an adventurous spirit, which I love very much about her, and that spirit rubs off on me and helps me try new things.  Kristin helps me be a better man.


Isn't that the way marriage is supposed to work?  We bring out the best in each other, for the glory of God and the good of our family and others around us.  That's part of God's design for marriage: that the two people together are stronger than the sum of what they would be individually (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).  


Kristin, I love you very much.  I'm so glad you're my wife!