How to Reconnect with Your Spouse

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use Candle Time or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.