How to Reconnect with Your Spouse

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use Candle Time or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.

The Long Break, and the Joys and Challenges of Adoption

Perhaps you've noticed that my blogs have been a bit quiet lately. For this I do apologize, and hope you'll allow me to explain this long break.

My wife and I have recently adopted an eleven-year-old son, and are working diligently to integrate him into our family that includes three other children. We know the Lord has led us down this path, but the way is filled with joys and challenges.

God doesn't call us to follow the easy path; He calls us to follow the path that He will bless.

We are embracing the joys and challenges, but in order to focus on my family I have stepped back from writing for the last several months. I continue to serve the pastoral role to which the Lord has called me. Now, from this point forward, I plan to resume my semi-regular blogging. My goal remains the same: "Relating biblical truth to everyday life, to draw people closer to Christ."

God's blessings to you. I'll write more soon.

Dandelions, Scribbles, and Love

Our children have always enjoyed giving gifts to their mother and me. When they were very young, they proudly gave us pieces of paper filled with scribbles; we lovingly displayed these scribbles on the refrigerator for all to enjoy.

Our youngest daughter is now five, and most recently she has taken great delight in presenting bouquets of dandelions to my wife. She proudly arranges the yellow flowers in a little vase and presents them with joy.

It is age-appropriate for a five-year-old to show her love for her parents by giving them dandelions and scribbled pictures. As her parents, we receive these gifts of love with pleasure.

As children grow, their expressions of love grow as well. Our older children, ages 11 and 13, no longer give us dandelions or scribbles. They express their love through hugs, gifts, kind deeds, and thoughtful words. If our older children were to present dandelions as expressions of love, my wife and I might wonder if they were showing genuine love or just playing a game.

We know that our children will continue to mature in their expressions of love as they grow older. As always, the love they show will be gratefully received by their parents.

This makes me think about the way I show my love to my Heavenly Father. When I was very young in faith, God was delighted with my scribbles and dandelions - various childlike gifts of love and faith. My early steps of obedience brought Him glory. My elementary worship delighted His heart. My little coins in the offering basket honored Him. He patiently listened to my simple prayers.

But now that I've grown in faith and in the knowledge of Him over many years, I ask myself: have my expressions of love matured as well?

Fellow Christian, I pose the same question to you.

"For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome" (1 John 5:3).

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Making Peace with our Fears

Fear can be a very negative thing.  One can read any of a number of books or articles about various phobias that hurt people's lives.  We have all probably experienced some level of irrational, even limiting, fear from time to time.  Indeed, this kind of fear is not good, and we should work to overcome it.


In partial contrast, I want to focus a moment on the positive side of fear.  I'm not a psychologist, but as a pastor, a husband, a father, and a man who's lived with his own fears a long time, I have a few thoughts I'd like to suggest about why I embrace some of my fears.

My fears balance my impulsive tendencies.  Fear of financial damage curbs the tendency toward impulsive spending.  Fear of getting a ticket helps keep my driving under control.  Fear of "getting caught" weakens the enticing power of many daily temptations.

I have a fear of letting people down. This leads me to fulfill my obligations, follow through with my promises, and persevere even when I don't feel like completing the task to which I have committed.


I have a fear of hurting my family.  This leads me to guard my marriage and not let any other relationship surpass the relationships I have with my wife and my kids.  This keeps me from pursuing any of a number of titillating explorations that would cause irreparable damage to my family.


I have a fear of emotionally scarring my children.  This leads me to temper my moments of anger and measure my words carefully.  This leads me to apologize when I've blown it, and to admit to them that I am not perfect, but I too am growing and learning.


I have a fear of portraying the Lord as anything other than Who He is.  This leads me to carefully read the Scriptures and learn all He has revealed about Himself.  This guides me to choose carefully the authors I read so I am constantly filling my mind with thoughts that are Scripturally accurate.  This causes me to be very careful in how I speak of the Lord to others - to represent Him well.  It's not that He needs good P.R., but I absolutely don't want to be guilty of causing anyone to think about Him incorrectly.


Fears can be a good thing.  When we make peace with our fears, and see the good side of them, we can accept the good and God-honoring boundaries they provide, then move forward with confidence and joy.  


If our  fears turn to something dark, we go back to God, and remember many passages like Psalm 56:3-4: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. ...In God I trust; I shall not be afraid."

"Jesus Loves Me!"

My daughter Emily just turned three years old.  I want to share something that has brought Kristin and me great delight over the last few weeks.


Probably three weeks ago I was working on something in the kitchen while Emily and Kristin were resting and watching a video in the back bedroom.  Suddenly, Emily raced into the kitchen, and with excited joy on her face, shouted, "Daddy, Jesus loves me!"


Though she had heard this truth countless times, she finally got it.  She understood for real.  It excited her heart and stirred her soul.  


This scenario has repeated itself many times since.  Every time she exclaims, "Jesus loves me," she exudes great joy all over again.  It delights our hearts as her parents.  I believe it delights her heavenly Father's heart as well.


Oh, the simple faith of a child!  I believe this is one clear example of the childlike faith Jesus encourages us all to show (Matthew 18:1-4).  May we all feel that same unfettered joy every time we remember how much Jesus loves us!  
   

My Wife Brings Out the Best in Me

Kristin and I have been married almost four and a half years.  Our marriage has all of the challenges of a new marriage plus a marriage with a blended family.  But there are many, many blessings along the way.


One of the things I told Kristin just yesterday was that she really brings out the best in me.  I told her about my perspective on a situation last Friday, which I will share here with her permission.


We were at family camp at Camp Forest Springs last week.  Many readers may know they have a swim safety test which they require for anyone, adults included, to go into the deepest part of the swim area with a really huge, really cool, ten-foot inflated slide.  The week saw temperatures in the low 70s, not ideal swimming weather, so we didn't really get our family into the water until Friday (the last day of camp).  So as of Friday, neither Kristin nor I had taken the test.


I was just going to let the week pass without taking the test and trying the slide.  The water was cold, I'm a bit out of shape, we were taking care of our young children in the shallower parts of the lake, and it was the last day of camp.  I thought it might be best to be content with skipping this year.  


Then my wife, one hour before they were to close the waterfront, decided to take the swim test.  Of course, she passed it swimmingly.  


I decided to follow her lead on this one.  I grunted my way through the swimming and treading water they required, and passed (whew!).  From there we had a great time on the slide.


This is just one example of how my wife helps me step out and try things that I might otherwise talk myself out of.  God has given her an adventurous spirit, which I love very much about her, and that spirit rubs off on me and helps me try new things.  Kristin helps me be a better man.


Isn't that the way marriage is supposed to work?  We bring out the best in each other, for the glory of God and the good of our family and others around us.  That's part of God's design for marriage: that the two people together are stronger than the sum of what they would be individually (see Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).  


Kristin, I love you very much.  I'm so glad you're my wife!