How to Reconnect with Your Spouse

At one period in our marriage, my wife and I were trying to manage life with two jobs and four children, and everyone else's needs always seemed to trump our own. Our calendar was impossibly full with activities every day of the week. It seemed that every conversation we started was interrupted by a phone call or a child's need. At other times we never even began the conversation because we were simply too tired for productive interaction. 

Can you relate?

We reached a point at which we felt more like roommates than husband and wife. We weren't arguing, nor were we headed toward any kind of split. But we just existed from moment to moment, managing the most urgent needs, and feeling more and more disconnected. Neither of us was content with this state, but neither of us knew how to make any changes to improve our marriage.

We sought the input of a counselor, who made some suggestions for how to prioritize time together. We adapted those suggestions, and I want to share one key thing we found to be most helpful in reviving our marriage.

A few days a week, we would go into the living room by ourselves, and light a candle on the end table. This lit candle signaled to our kids, "We love you, but we are taking this time for just the two of us." We told our children they should leave us totally alone when that candle was lit, and only interrupt us if there was gushing blood and a 911 call in progress. If they interrupted us, the penalty was something along the lines of having to make everyone's bed every day for a month. It was not really punishment, but it successfully communicated that they should respect the lit candle and leave us alone with each other.

During these Candle Times, we would not touch our phones (except maybe to look at our digital calendar for something once in a while). We would look into each other's eyes and ask, "How are you really doing?" We would talk about things that brought us joy, and things that brought us frustrations. We would talk about a decision we needed to make together. The topic of each conversation varied, but the major emphasis was that we CONNECTED with one another.

Candle Times sometimes lasted ten minutes, sometimes an hour, depending on the needs of that day. Some weeks we did Candle Time two days; other weeks needed Candle Time almost every day. We did not want to hurry through that time, because this time was a priority for us.

After doing this for a couple weeks, our kids began to observe that when we emerged from "Candle Time," we were in a better place emotionally to be able to invest in meeting their needs. After a few months of this, we didn't even need to light the candle; if a child saw us talking together, they would gently ask, "Is the candle lit?" If we said "yes," they held their question until we were done.

Taking this time together was vital in deepening our marriage. Husbands and wives need time together to connect and talk about more than the calendar and the kids. Whether you use Candle Time or another method, I encourage you to take time with your spouse for the benefit of your marriage. By investing time with one another like this, you show each other that the person you're married to is the most important person in your life.

Easier to Ask Forgiveness than Ask Permission?

I have sometimes heard people quip, "I just did it because I thought it would be easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission." When someone says this, their hearers usually nod their heads in agreement, perhaps smiling at the thought.

But I want to ask this: is it easier (or better) to ask forgiveness than permission? It may work for quick little decisions that need to be made at work or at home. But what about in areas of life that carry greater consequences?

• Do we "borrow" (steal) something from our workplace and then hope our boss will be forgiving?
• Do we fudge some numbers on our taxes and hope the IRS, if they notice, will forgive the "oversight"?
• Do we push towards intimate activity outside the bounds of marriage and then hope for forgiveness the next day?
• Do we come home late without first making sure it's okay with those who are affected by this?

Does this philosophy help or hurt our relationship with our boss? Does it build trust or damage trust with our spouse? Is it setting a good example for our children or others who are watching?

Forgiveness is an essential aspect of our lives. We want to be people filled with grace and forgiveness, especially if we are followers of Jesus Christ. As we have been forgiven so much, so we too must be good forgivers (see Matthew 18:21-35). And we want to ask forgiveness from others when we have hurt them in some way.

However, if we presume we will be forgiven and then set out in a direction we know is sinful, is that really the right thing to do? I believe much interpersonal damage has resulted from this line of thought.

Let's not do something we know is wrong and presume people will just forgive and forget. Such actions hurt relationships with people we are closest to. Let's not allow a pithy little saying justify something we will regret later.

Three Little Words that Threaten to Destroy Us

There are three little words that threaten to destroy our lives. You've heard them before. It's likely that you've even said them.

Perhaps you've been out with some friends and they have asked you to do something you knew was wrong, or maybe only a little outside the boundaries. Yet you rationalized it thinking that maybe it was "no big deal."

Perhaps you've been on the internet late at night, and wondered what kinds of pornographic pictures might be accessible for free. Maybe at that time you thought it was "no big deal."

Perhaps you exploded in anger at the kids, or said some demeaning things to your spouse, or spent money you knew you didn't have. At that moment you may have rationalized it as "no big deal."

But was it really "no big deal"? Or did you find out later that it really was worse than you thought at first?

Those three little words can be used to justify the first few steps down a destructive path. Those first steps might initially seem like they aren't really problematic. But they lead us in a direction we don't really want to go. And it doesn't take long for things to get worse.

It might seem like "no big deal" to gamble a hundred dollars. Or fool around with a girlfriend. Or sign up on a dating site even though we're married. Or look at a little porn. Or try marijuana. Or drive home from the bar even when we know we have had too much to drink. But we've all seen the results of those things that at first seemed like "no big deal." Maybe we've even felt the pain of those decisions in our own lives.

Sin IS a big deal. Even a little sin is a big deal. I suspect that you don't really need to be convinced of this - you know it in your heart. If you have the Holy Spirit in you, He has shown you this very clearly.

Let's decide to stand against the idea of "no big deal" before we do the thing. When we hear those words ringing in our minds, let that be a red flag to reexamine our course and change direction. Let's not let those three little words lead us down a path of sin that brings pain to ourselves or others.

Why Do We Celebrate the Cross?

Sometimes it may seem strange that Christians celebrate the cross of Jesus Christ. Why would a symbol of torture and death become a fundamental symbol of our faith?

The answer, in part, is that we celebrate because of all God accomplished through the cross of Christ. Here are a few of those accomplishments:

• Our penalty has been paid: For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).
• Our sins have been forgiven: In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace (Ephesians 1:7).
• Satan has been defeated: He disarmed the rulers and authorities and put them to open shame, by triumphing over them in him (Colossians 2:5).
• Death has been conquered: "O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ (1 Corinthians 15:55-57).
• We have been redeemed: For even the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (Mark 10:45).
• Our hearts are now reconciled to God: All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself...(2 Corinthians 5:18).
• We have been adopted as children of God: For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons...(Romans 8:15).
• We have the promise of eternal life: For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him (John 3:16-17).

God the Father sent Jesus the Son to do what no person could possibly do: redeem sinful people like you and like me. THAT is why we celebrate the cross!

The Long Break, and the Joys and Challenges of Adoption

Perhaps you've noticed that my blogs have been a bit quiet lately. For this I do apologize, and hope you'll allow me to explain this long break.

My wife and I have recently adopted an eleven-year-old son, and are working diligently to integrate him into our family that includes three other children. We know the Lord has led us down this path, but the way is filled with joys and challenges.

God doesn't call us to follow the easy path; He calls us to follow the path that He will bless.

We are embracing the joys and challenges, but in order to focus on my family I have stepped back from writing for the last several months. I continue to serve the pastoral role to which the Lord has called me. Now, from this point forward, I plan to resume my semi-regular blogging. My goal remains the same: "Relating biblical truth to everyday life, to draw people closer to Christ."

God's blessings to you. I'll write more soon.